Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in raider194's LiveJournal:

Monday, April 19th, 2004
1:44 pm	A Simple Appology It was as simple as an "I am so sorry" text message on my phone. All i got. Here is the biggest question of all. Is that simple of an apology enough to make up for nearly a year of mistreatment. Do i hold on to my upset or just let it go. What will cause it never to happen again and what is the correct answer. No idea... im too tired to think about it. Peace Kyle (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 18th, 2004
2:35 am	Ever wanted to just escape and see whats out there beyond the simple hills of your home town, or maybe escape what seems like a dark cloud that is always hanging over your head. It seems like I can never do anything correctly here. No matter how hard I try to make sure that I have a good relationship, someone tries to screw it up, whether it be me and my childish fears, or my ex girl-friend and her you cant be happy antics. I am sick of all of it and cannot wait to get away. Maybe i dont need to leave, just need to have my time with the people i care about, uninterrupted and unbattled. Im tired of others going after my friends for problems with me. I want to end all of that... Peace Kyle (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 14th, 2004
12:25 pm	Valentines day 2004 ~ Well today i woke up with that heavy feeling on my heart because today used to be a day that i looked forward to all year. At least for the last two years. This year i really had nothing to look forward to. At first I woke up with that feeling of missing Caroline, but after i thought about it for about 2 minutes, i realized that it did not really matter anymore. Its over, and I'm still happy. I have been moving around and well honestly I am truly enjoying my life now. So well I can admit that i really did love her. I can admit that for quite a while i really missed her. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY I can also now say that it no longer takes me being strong to continue on. Anyway now that i have that off my chest... ROCK its time for me to go get ready for the rest of my life, or at least just today... gotta take it one day at a time... PEACE GUYS Kyle (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
1:45 pm	Eaten Wow that test just ate my soul plus some... i must admit that after only answering 9 was liberating in a way as to finally say i dont care about the rest of the answers, but just the fact that it probly just killed my grade even more kind of bothers me. I am growing tired of my insomnia. At one point i stayed up late as a way of saying i could. I would stay up till 2 and 3 o'clock in an attempt to prove that i simply had the stamina to do it and it was also a great time to do work. Now i cannot sleep without literally exhausting my body. It SUCKS!!! Life is looking up though with the rest of my situations closing in around me... I am finally finding my place in this world and finally figuring out what i need and want in life... all i need is friends and a fast car. its not even the speed of the car that matters, just the feeling of being thrown back in the seat and living life on the edge. Its the feeling between each shift and the pressing of the clutch. Eventually it will be knowing that the beautiful peice of equipment i drive is mine. OH WELL FOR NOW... Much love out there... Peace Kyle (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 5th, 2004
12:55 am	today i have realized how important it is to be your own person... Religion and many other organizations put rules down in front of you and tell you that you are no good if you do not follow their rules... Though they do this... they forget the main rule... to thy known self be true.... in otherwords make up your own rules and follow them... be true to yourself and what you believe in not what you are told to believe... This is an eye opener for some... but others will still ignore it ... i implore you to not ignore this call, but to make your own rules and live your own life! Peace Kyle (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 4th, 2004
1:40 am	Ever wanted a break from life? well i do, and ill tell you why. i want some time to just hang out with my friends... like a weekend that lasts for about 2 weeks... it would be nice... but until then i need to start actually doing my shit... i hate HATE HATE having work hanging over me like i do, so that as i knock some out... more piles on... its shit. As for every other aspect of my life... its all coming together... i finally had some fun tonight joking with the entire gang... that was great... like seriously... i have not laughed that hard since i failed my English test today... I NEVER FAIL ENGLISH TESTS>>> WTF Oh well... its late, and though i have not been able to sleep lately i must try... i dont know why i cant sleep like i toss and turn for hours... just thinking... wishing... hoping... but after all that... im nothing... not a romantic writer, not a calc wiz, nope... im just kyle still... with pointless ambitions, and a sense of fun... and very tired... sleep counter = 5 hours in 48... if i go to sleep in 3 minutes, i will double that time for three days... god wouldnt that be nice... but oh well... i guess i just truck on... just think... 5 days till autocross... thats when you are free... 4 times... you get to be free for 50 second runs... thats 200 seconds or less of freedom... total freedom away from everything... GOD I CANT WAIT... I also really hope Laura and Eliz, because i know they will both love it more than anything... well until later on today. i must attempt to depart... PEACE Kyle Current Music: Starting Line - Up & Go (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004
12:21 am	Life is a constant pushing back and forth of the life giving breathe that consequently brings more pain, but we cant live without it... as far as friends go, i have the best. They offer me what they have and i reciprocate... After the depression kicked out i realized i was not emo and actually had something important to say... HAHAHA FUCK ALL OF YOU THAT THINK YOU CAN MESS WITH ME not really... please ignore anything i have said... i actually just have one thing to say... Peace! Kyle Current Music: Starting Line - The Best of Me (Comment on this)
Monday, February 2nd, 2004
3:30 pm	I finally decided to write one of these while I'm conscious... haha FUNNY... anyway. at this time today i kinda feel relieved... Caroline bitched at me today for "talking rudely" to her, but as far as that goes... i think she was pretty rude as well in telling me to come back to class when I'm trying to help out a friend... maybe I'm just crazy... but its ok... I'm allowed to be. I'm really tired of this stress shit... math makes my life a living hell... i need to just get it all out of the way... and grades... GOD who give a fuck... seriously... I'm soo glad i don't have a 4.0 to keep, because it just adds all this undue stress... i see how my friends are, and last night after almost giving up entirely on math, I'm glad i don't have to worry about making a perfect A in Calc BC... As for my thoughts right now, i must say I'm don't feel like doing the hours of homework that are required to catch up. i don't feel like dealing with the next week... i need to just pass out and never wake up... i need to just leave... hmm college... hmmmm get outta here lol... As for the rest of my life, let see... I'm going to start trying to enjoy it for the smaller things... when someone asks what makes you happy and you cant really answer them, something is wrong... my car and friends make me happy... so lets see... sounds like i need to go race everyone =) hmmm maybe not... but you get the picture... haha well anyway... ill get through this homework and enjoy the week, weekend, and everything in between. UNTIL I FINISH THIS SHITKyle Current Music: Coldplay - We Never Change (Comment on this)
12:17 am	Ever just settled back into a couch or bed and just thought for like 10 minutes... its really nice... the first four minutes usually take the longest. after that its like reading a good book. you sink into your thoughts and the next six minutes go really quickly... I tried it today and simply thought about why i do certain things and why i react the way i do... it was interesting. i also thought about the reply to my entry about alcohol... thank you for the insight (whoever it was) that mentioned it was not a need but a want. my only question is what creates this want... i know the next thing you would tell me would be to try it and find out, but i have already gone down that road with something else. I dont regret that but i dont condone the action anymore than i did before i tried it... i guess the correct answer would be to each his own, but i want to know why. next thing i had to question would definitly be my religion. People tell me it is a good thing to question religion... but my question is... when you find something out that you do not like, does that mean you need to change or just accept?? As for my questioning... read the da-vinci code... if religion fucked up reality as much as that book claims... consider me a christian with his own beliefs about everything else... i refuse to be a part of anything organized that would mess with the truth that much... I was once catholic and left because of the way i was #1 taught ccd and the teachers. i realize they are just volunteers, but man get me someone who does not tell me a load of shit. #2 i could not accept the pope. im sorry but the head of a religion being more in communion with god than the people. acceptable if he was designated in some other way than a political election in which the current was elected based on the fact that he would supposedly croak soon. #3 i hated the fact that everything i did was a sin and should be repented for. i guess that goes against all religions, but to be told that my cursing was a sin (though venial) really, for lack of a better word PISSED ME OFF. As for the da vinci code... it made some strong arguements. and also made me wonder about secret societies. what is really going on in this world and what we perceive is ironically on different ends of the spectrum. i sit here and worry about my insignificant life and people are out there keeping secrets about where the holy grail is located and other people are fighting constantly for a losing cause that they believe in... very few things in my world seem worth fighting for... i must live a sad existance... I guess all that is left is for me to bitch about would be the fact that im still in mandeville... the one place i loved the lakefront i have not been back to in a LONG time... i think i should go tommorrow... too bad i cant bring my computer with me and type from there... i will need to get a laptop... untill then... PEACE Kyle Current Music: Guster - Fa Fa (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 1st, 2004
1:20 pm	Slept for about 12 hours today and woke up with that same feeling of loss. I hate waking up to that, but im starting to get used to it. My heart is begining to settle and open. Quite an awesome thing when i can totally block old feelings and move forward with life. Quite a sucky thing when old feelings set in and eat away at one's thoughts. I am becoming stronger everyday i can feel it. the pain is less, the upset is less with each passing day. I just remember that i only have about 6 months left and well with those 6 months it is more important that i have fun with my life. Enjoy the smaller things. I dont need to find that one till much later. Once im outta college or through med school. Dont get me wrong, relationships mean the world to me. i can only hope that i am lucky enough to date someone that cares about me emmensly, because in relationships i put my all into that person. My biggest problem would be that laura thain complex where she does not know to drop something when it becomes no longer fruit-full. i have this same problem to a point, but im working on it... somehow. As for my latest realized blunder, i fixed that as well. no longer will my friends feel second rate, because none of them are. i care about them all with all my heart. as much as some of them dont see it. anyway... the rambling has begun and im getting no where again. Im going to go do some calculus homework. im sure you will hear from me soon. Kyle Current Music: Linkin Park - Somewhere I Belong (Comment on this)
12:27 am	And so it goes Well i guess i cant complain about today. I got started on my sleeper rsx project by installing *gasp* a short shifter. My car shifts at 60% of the distance that it used to. It is really nice for those jumps off the line and the running through the gears. Yeah... so i pulled up next to some people tonight who looked like they were enjoying themselves. They were dancing to whatever music and just jammin out. i started to play along to my music then i saw a beer in one of their hands and just stopped. I always wonder why people need that shit... but i guess its just one of those things. maybe oneday people will understand what it means to truely enjoy life without all that shit... but sometimes you have to wonder what it really does... ya know... maybe there is a reason people get drunk and maybe there is no reason. i have no intention of finding out at the moment but it is an interesting idea... oh well ENOUGH FOR NOW Kyle Current Music: Jimmy Eat World - Sweetness (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 31st, 2004
12:06 pm	First Entry Wow, time to start one of these online things where people can find out, ironically, everything and nothing about me. I dont know how into this im going to be, but we will see. Think of it as an adventure into the shit that im constantly stressed over, enjoy, or simply think about. In the words of the great Austin Walker, if i offend you with these logs, it is ENTIRELY your own fault. Well, with that out of the way, I must direct your attention towards one more tiny rule. Leave ya shit at the door. This is my place to bitch, not yours. ANYWAY PEACE Kyle (Comment on this)